World Class Asses: Unsanctioned Lemon Squeezers

You’ve probably witnessed the scenario a thousand times. You’re at a restaurant with a group of friends or perhaps just your SO, and the seafood arrives, shrimp, fried cod, salmon, whatever. There’s a half-lemon or lemon slices on the plate. Someone, not you, grabs the lemon and squeezes it all over the seafood, without so much as a look upward to see if everyone is cool with them seasoning all the food to that one person’s individual taste. In fact, if they ask at all, they will mutter “Anyone mind if I squeeze the lemon on the fish,” AS they are squeezing the lemon on the fish. It’s an assumption of privilege that I simply do not understand and that I certainly do not abide.

Lemme ask you this: if a basket of French fries comes to the table, and I take it upon myself to squirt catsup all over the spuds, maybe salt them up a little more (because I like salt), maybe add a few grinds of pepper, because that’s to my taste, is that cool by you? It shouldn’t be. I would never presume it would be. With condiments, it’s every person for themselves…and ONLY for themselves.

The one thing I have in common with the president is that I’m a bit of a germophobe, so I’d rather no one filter the lemon juice between their fingers onto my food. It’s goddamn unsanitary and unseemly. Just as importantly, I’d rather taste the food before adding any condiments. I know what lemon tastes like; I like lemon (especially a twist of it in a gin martini) but I’d really like to taste the food first and then decide if what I want to do is make most of it taste like lemon.

This phenomenon is especially destructive with fresh oysters. I’m fine with oysters being dressed by the chef, because I know that’s a thing these days, and sometimes it can be interesting, but when a platter of some lusciously different oyster varieties, served commando, is set before us, and some unsanctioned lemon squeezer decides to homogenize all the many flavor dimensions under a tsunami of lemon juice, how can that be a good thing?

Whenever I raise this issue with unsanctioned lemon squeezers, they give me a blank stare like some poleaxed sow ready to be turned into sausage at the stockyards. Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, I really didn’t, but perhaps if that sensitivity were displayed toward others we wouldn’t having this very important conversation.

And that is why I must judge, even some of my relations and best friends, world class asses when they take it upon themselves to be unsanctioned lemon squeezers. Squeeze the lemon all over your food, suck on it, put it down your pants, go nuts, enjoy yourself, but don’t assume that I, or anyone else at the table, has the same tastes as you.

This has been a public service announcement, and I’m sure I speak with authority for most everyone in the world. It’s what I do.

David “Getting No Less Cranky” Hammond

I actually squeezed a lemon over a shared basked of fried oysters in Florida last year. The MIL immediately frowned. I assumed it was just because she likes to control every part of anyone's life, HOWEVER, I quickly realized that it was my mistake in assuming nobody would object. My bad - no joke, no excuses, my mistake - purely on me.

I grew up in a household where we routinely ate seafood, at restaurants and at home, and nobody at the table gave a second thought to grabbing any included lemon wedges and squeezing / sprinkling over every part. Not an excuse for why I do it, but it was not only common, but almost expected. When dining with others, I still kind of expect for someone to do it, and if nobody does, I'd have the urge to do it, or at least ask. The MIL last spring was the first time I've ever heard anyone speak up against it, but my guess would be that some people wouldn't want to cause friction by speaking out against it.

I've stopped my evil ways.
I offer a sincere apology for the non lemon squeezers (or germophobes) I've selfishly subjected to citrus fouled foods.

ETA - I would never, ever even think about squeezing lemon on raw oysters, or anything else raw that I can think of.

Also, the comparison of lemons to catsup. I understand that it was a comparison, and in concept, I GET it, but that's like comparing lemons to vinegar and sugar syrup (and whatever other goo catsup consists of.) I'm not saying the lemon squeeze is right. I've come to realize that it is, in fact, wrong. But I think we can agree that if a plate of fried oysters or clams, or catfish, or grouper arrived to a table, to be shared, and someone started squeezing catsup all over it, then...no jury would convict the assailant for the subsequent flurry of vengeful blows about the head, shoulder, and neck areas of the squeezer. Lemon squeezes should NOT be done, but punches wouldn't be thrown.

Sounds like something worth bringing up when you order

No snark intended, among my family and friends my experience has always been that the person wanting to squeeze lemon will ask permission first, which permission is almost universally granted. But I wouldn't hesitate to ask that some portion be segregated if I wasn't in a citrus-y mood.

ETA- and lest I appear holier than thou, my own far more hypersensitivity regarding

oysters being dressed by the chef, because I know that’s a thing these days

is way more closely aligned temperamentally to David's feelings about citrus. Yes, many chefs are awesome people, but I barely take my doctors'/clergypeoples'/attorneys' advice 50% of the time--so the notion that the woman or man in front of the line instantly and unerringly knows my preferences w/r/t to seasoning and doneness better than I do is my own pet peeve of gustatory self-determination. The battles we're called to fight . . .

So many issues, so little time.

First of all, on the specific side: if the raw oysters you've been served are not good enough to be eaten completely unadorned, they should be avoided. Period.

On a broader level, regardless of the specific food, anyone who'd non-consensually alter an entire group's portion of any food should be derided, beaten, jettisoned and forever shunned from the group.

=R=

ronnie_suburban wrote:On a broader level, regardless of the specific food, anyone who'd non-consensually alter an entire group's portion of any food should be derided, beaten, jettisoned and forever shunned from the group.=R=

This^^^^

On a related note, I am the designated bread loaf slicer. When a communal bread loaf appears at the table, I instinctively jump into action and portion it out. I do this because...(1) I have just washed my hands and they are impeccably clean and (2) I have reasonably good knife skills which assures that the resulting slices do not appear to have been torn by hyenas...

Funnily enough there is a restaurant, Richard's Farm in Southern, IL. Country, country, country...so country they couldn't be more country. I have dined there several times over the last two decades and it really is a treat. Known for their massive salad bar, they are more famous for their 1 pound pork chop. Right behind the massive destination is one of Casey, IL's Guiness World Record giant things; a pitchfork. Anyway, I also have impeccably clean hands working in the food industry lo these years. Many of the offerings on Richard's vast menu of country favorites include soup, salad, and bread. The soup, generally vegetable is by far the best home cook version I have had, the bread station is where things get interesting; a big basket of Pullman loaves sits next to vats of creamed butter and jams. One is invited to slice the bread to their liking. All of those fingers grasping the bread....well, I guess our immune systems can always use a boost.

Christopher Gordon wrote: the bread station is where things get interesting; a big basket of Pullman loaves sits next to vats of creamed butter and jams. One is invited to slice the bread to their liking. All of those fingers grasping the bread....well, I guess our immune systems can always use a boost.

Kind of surprising that someone, at the restaurant or from the health department, has not directed the staff to wrap the end of the bread with a tea cloth or other linen to keep the hands of infectious strangers off the loaf.

I am unsure as to how the Health Department works in rural Illinois. I know I would look askance.
Not casting aspersions. Deliciousness abounds.

Thank you!! I hate when someone takes it upon themself to season MY food!!

Thanks for this post. Here's hoping that it has the cultural influence that the famous Seinfeld, "you double dipped" episode had.

ronnie_suburban wrote:So many issues, so little time.

=R=

So funny!
So true

I personally like lemon on fried calamari especially, but to each his own, and if you DON'T like it, please speak up before or as the food hits the table!

irisarbor wrote:

ronnie_suburban wrote:So many issues, so little time.

=R=

So funny!
So true

I personally like lemon on fried calamari especially, but to each his own, and if you DON'T like it, please speak up before or as the food hits the table!

Elaine, and please make sure to let me know before or as the food hits the table that you don't like hot sauce, because I really like it and I always splash it all over everything.

It's OK Dave, I like hot sauce too!
but I also usually season my own food,
unless I'm cooking then I try to make sure whatever I'm cooking is appropriately seasoned.

The only thing that really makes me angry is when people throw salt or ketchup all over it BEFORE they taste it.
Taste it FIRST!
THEN if you want salt or ketchup , OK....
but how do you know if you haven't even tasted it....

I was recently behind a shopper who was extensively fondling and deeply sniffing all the limes. I mean holding them mm from her nose deeply inhaling and rubbing the surface. I offered the following advice:

“You know the very best way to test them is to gently bite them and see how much oil comes out of the skin”

I regret nothing

Finally experienced this myself. Fresh Farms Niles. As I walk up to the lamb area, having lamb chops for dinner, I notice an older gent, maybe low 80’s, picking up pack after pack of lamb and firmly poking each one then putting it back.

I politely inquired “bitch, what the fuck are you doing” He either ignored me, was deaf or did not speak English.

He continued to poke 20 more packs. Muttered something to himself and walked away without any lamb.

Weird !

Reminds me of this scene from the movie Tampopo:

bw77 wrote:Reminds me of this scene from the movie Tampopo:

OMG I completely forgot about that scene! Tampopo is one of my favorite movies, if I've seen it once I've seen it 30-times.

The older lamb poking gent was slightly curious looking as well. Thin, grizzled with long veiny arms covered in dense white moss like fluff.

In truth I was not rude to him, though I did inquire what he was looking for/trying to accomplish by pressing on the sealed packs of lamb. His response was unintelligible, I don't think he spoke English.

Weird X 3

G Wiv wrote:

bw77 wrote:Reminds me of this scene from the movie Tampopo:

OMG I completely forgot about that scene! Tampopo is one of my favorite movies . . .

LMAO! Me too and me too!

=R=