Hanssens Artisanaal Oude Gueuze
“Oh my god that’s some funky s*it”
Beastie Boys, “Root Down”
The Beasties' immortal words sprang to mind as I reeled from my first taste of Hanssen’s Artisanaal Oude Gueuze.
Gueuze, in case you don’t know, is a blend of young and old lambics, aged for several years. I picked up two bottles of Hanssens at Sam’s yesterday ($10 each).
This is a headless brew. Pour it in, vigorously or slowly, and the slim foam slips away almost immediately. This is not a big problem for me, but it’s a little odd…though odder things are yet to come.
The scent is very strong, kind of how I’d imagine skunk urine would smell.
It probably doesn’t taste quite so bad as anything excreted by a rodent, more like apple cider vinegar with notes of isopropyl alcohol and vomit. It stings, it smarts, it stinks, but it’s not a bit bitter…just sour and acrid. It’s also, dare I say, just a little bit exciting, perhaps in the sense that eating hot peppers is exciting (such “constrained risk,” as the Great McGee would say, titillates us while simultaneously assuring us that even though what we’re consuming seems toxic, we'll probably live through it…Hurrah!).
No effervescence, very slight mouthfeel, which is fine, because the flavor is so pungent, potent and overpowerful, you don’t want anything else going on behind your teeth at the same time. No hoppiness, but plenty harsh, it hammers the palate with an unremitting take-no-prisoners drumbeat of satisfaction-defying acidity.
How could such a beverage ever quench a thirst? It made my throat feel dry, parched and in strange pain.
I had it cool, I had it warm, I had it solo, I had it with smoked chicken a la GWiv, but try as I might, I could not find a way to get it down easily and enjoyably, though as the picture below may indicate, I drank the whole damn bottle. I think I actually started to cry just a little with the last glass…and not because I was sorry to see it go.
"Don't you ever underestimate the power of a female." Bootsy Collins